Letters to the President: (#1) More Garbage For Your Platform

Dear Mr. President,

I appreciate what you're trying to do with health care and all, but while you're fighting that out, I have something much worse happening to me. I have piles of garbage collecting outside my door.

It all started with a little fallout with the Waste Management people. You know, the guys that come along and get trash and put it in those big trucks. Well, for starters, they charge for that! Why don't they come get my garbage for free? Shouldn't I have that right as a citizen of the United States? My employer doesn't even pay that bill for me! I have to pay it myself! That's ridiculous.

Well, a couple weeks ago I found out that they were cheating me! That's right. I asked my neighbor across the street how much she was paying, and she was only paying half as much as me! So I called up the Waste Collection services department and demanded an explanation. They said it was because I had more garbage than my neighbor across the street and that I didn't contain it properly. Contain it properly? Sure, my neighbor uses garbage cans and bags, so what! I just dump mine out in the yard. Why should I have to bag it or put it in a can? That's what the garbage people are for!

Well, I had it! How dare they demand that I put out my trash a certain way! So I told them that I wasn't going to pay them anymore. That's right. They would have to get my garbage for free. I deserve free trash care! That was the last time they took my garbage. They still take my neighbor's garbage, but not mine. It's not fair! I don't have any way to get rid of my trash now that they won't take it!

I don't think it's just me, either. I think there's other people, American Citizens, that can't get affordable trash care. It's an outrage. People everywhere without access to affordable garbage collection! And you, Mr. Obama, are the one to do something about it. We need National Trash Care Reform!

Please push Congress to pass a Trash Care Reform bill, giving everyone in the United States free trash care. I know somebody will have to pay for it, but as long as it's not me, I'm ok with that. Make all the rich business owners pay for it. Just tax them a lot. They don't deserve to have anything more than me, even if they've worked and sacrificed all their lives to get where they are.

I'm sure there will be some elitist people that will be upset with the idea of nationalized trash care. But, hey, what's the government for, anyway? (The government isn't the government unless they're giving me everything I want at the expense of others.) So, you'll probably have to say that the new trash care isn't mandatory, but I have a good plan for making it mandatory after a while.

First, if any businesses don't provide free trash care to all their employees, you can fine them big time! Make them pay up for being stingy and keeping their money away from their employees! I know some companies won't be able to afford it, and it will probably make them go bankrupt like GM, but that's ok.

Second, if individual people don't want to use the new trash care, fine them, too! Yeah, that will teach people to mess with the government. They can keep their little trash care if they want, but they'll have to pay big time for it. All this fining will also provide money for the National Trash Care.

Pretty soon, because you're using taxes and money from fines, the National Trash Care will undercut all the competition and all the other Trash Care services will go out of business because they can't compete! Within a few years, National Trash Care will be the only thing left and people will have to use it, and it won't even have been “mandatory.” Sounds like a good plan, huh?

As soon as everyone is using the new trash care, then the government will be in complete control! You can choose who gets their trash picked up, when they get their trash picked up, and how much trash you'll pick up. (I know that will add to an already bloated bureaucracy and cost a lot more money, but there's always the rich people that you can tax more.) You'll even be able to bring Waste Clinics into the schools and teach the kids about garbage without the parents even knowing or having any control over what goes on! Isn't that great!

Now, any decent citizen in their right mind won't let something like this pass, so it's crucial that you make it happen fast! Let me give you some pointers.

Make the bill as long as you can, and hide all kinds of ridiculous stuff in it. (You can even stick in stuff like free trash care for illegal aliens, government funded abortions, or even a provision to allow anyone to run for president as long as they claim to have been born in the United States!) Then, don't give anybody a chance to read it, just try to push it through as fast as you can. Oh, yeah, use the “Just trust me” line, that one works great!

If anybody tries to oppose it, just call them liars and anything else you can think of. That will put them in their place. Try to trick people by not telling them the whole truth about the reform. But don't let anyone call you a liar, though. It'd be bad if people found out the truth!

I guess the sad reality is that I am totally incapable of doing anything for myself anymore. I need the government to take care of me, even take out my trash. Please, Mr. Obama, please take care of me in every way, even taking out my garbage. I hope you will push for National Trash Care Reform, it'll be more garbage for your already bloated platform.

Sincerely,
Feeling Pretty Dumpy


Letters to the President
#1 More Garbage For Your Platform